4rm START 2 FINISH

Time for the personal update on my shitty life. Things as usual are looking pretty bad. However, now my situation seems to have a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope, anyway. Maybe this is just god's way of screwing with me. He likes to do that a lot. However, I had a perfect life for awhile and as usual it always ends up in 1 month and three days, and the most fuked up part is that I can’t let go. I have tried and tried three yrs went but no change one fine day I get that msn pop up. "HI, it’s cafe de la mer not Buckwas". Man you should have seen the smile on my face, I was so happy with a hunch weather it was really the person I was talking to or as usual the person I did not want to talk to. Yeah I know pretty fuken insane. All these games played on me, while I did not even fuken do shit. Anyways life went up hill from there spoke on msn for 4 hrs, went home happier than ever, life made so much sense. I knew this day was going to come one day and it did. Well then came the late night phone conversation, nothing could will ever top that. Simply what I needed a person to spill out to and know I am being heard. Well then came that day I was being invited once again to a city I knew nothing and knew no one but the person I was going to meet. Now the plans have been made, the setting are planned and the day is set. So I waited for that day. Day came I took the train to a strange but interesting city... once again... 6 hrs of total non comfy sitting. And total boredom. But my cell and her voice was the only way I survived that. Well 6hrs and 30 mins later I am walking down the street of a new city which I have visited only 3 times before. I am walking on university ave. again on the phone walking towards a perfect perfection... so eager to see that sight I waited for 3 yrs. not to mention I was crazy about her. Well I saw her at a distance; she had that same smile and that same walk. The shine in her eyes could take any mans breathe away. I finally reached close to her, so close that I could smell the perfume on her skin. I kissed her on her cheek as she requested and we walked towards a cab and drove away towards her house. I can't explain the feeling I was going through... all I know is that I miss it... sat besides her... my mind was blank... no thoughts.... nothing... all i can think was ... how long was this moment gonna last... i could not hold myself i wanted to reach out and kiss her.... but but but..... I was not in the position to. We were joined by another friend... I was not mad or anything in fact I had no reason to be..... My position was not strong enough to feel that feeling at all... time went by... i really enjoyed time with her as thats the only thing i wanted to do... every moment from then was perfect... just as i thought it would be... all i wanted to do from there was to be with her and spend all the lost time with HER... but i guess me thinking like was just me thinking, i was the only one with the feeling of total and complete happyness of being where i was when i was, where i was<-- that's not a typo:)... Thinks got really messed up on the 4th day... i went from the top of the hill to the bottom in just 10 mins. I can’t express that feeling all I know is that I wish I had never felt that feeling, everything would have been so much different. A feeling of distance. I would have never imagined that not being able to want to spend time with a person could get a person to completely hate u. I was hungry as I did not eat the whole day, we walked and walked plans were made but changed. I was without words, new plans were made, and I had no choice but to follow. As I was just a guest a guest for few days. So what I wanted to do was really not as impt as the people living there. Well I guess that’s the prize I had to pay for being so much in love. I stayed and went by the new plans. Well all I can say is that I am still hungry. That’s all, I was hungry.... fuk it I cant go any longer..... THE END
I was a jerk and I deserved it... it was bound to happen and it did... such is life... FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK ...

well my conclusion to all this is simpple.
IT'S EASY TO FIGHT DIFFERENCES, BUT FUKEN IMPOSSIBLE TO FIGHT EGO.

i will wait as i did before, i know things will change, i know i have. i am trying to better myself, so i can be everything i was supposed to be when i was in that perfections presence... people tell mee i am stupid to do and act the way i am. But my mind is set and when i set my mind on something nothing can change it not even me.