I have to start somewhere ... let’s see... now what has been the story of my life. It’s like entering a maze Filled with thorn and the only way is walking through It all...well the only choice we have to make here is Whether or not we need to take this journey... every Step taken is going to be hard and painful. But does it mean we have to give up... I was going through the Worse times in my life, when suddenly I came across What I thought was a perfect simple angle... with an Amazing smile and great sense of humour... we had an Amazing time... everyday for me was magic... but this Magic was nothing like an illusion it was totally Real... at least from what I know...time flew by... I felt Sick and it was then when I realized that I was living Around alot of good things and yet it was the start of Which started to be my life’s biggest collapse...? I wish time could stand still and every happy moment lived would repeat it over and over again... a loop to eternity. since then nothing in my life made since... it was as if some one put a spell on our joy... it is said all good things come to an end... never did I ever believe in it...nothing comes to an end... our choices change and all good things change, it’s either for the best or for the worst. for me I don’t know as yet but for my angel it’s for the best... never realized her importance, I blame only me for what is my present state. I said some pretty nasty things when it was not my place to say or do anything... I guess people don’t realise the pain that their words can cause... my world feels apart, why did I try to ruin someone else's world... it could have been the start of something great... what was it that caused me to cause so much drama... and feel so much pain and anger all at the same time... is there a logical sense of what because it all... I guess science will prove that I am a total mess. if only I could see in the future and know what words can cause pain...would only have bought her happiness... and done only that made her happy... she deserves a better life and so do I... but then again it’s in our faults that makes us human, no man or women can say that they are perfect... I biggest flaw is that I repeat my mistakes, this is what makes me the worst person on this planet and for that I do not deserve anyone or anything that could or would make me happy... don’t deserve the best things in life... cause I would simply ruin it all and then come back to where I started... I walked this path only twice and I swear to God thought that this time was my last time... but I am here again... sitting alone here gazing at my laptop screen and my cell hoping it rings and she was on the other side of it... and to hear that voice that gives me multiple goose bumps...but it stays but on my laptop I keep scrolling down memory lane in form of pictures and all those thoughts bring me temporary joy... it is a wild rollercoaster ride that has come to an end along time ago and the park is closed down for the season and yet I am still sitting on the ride... hoping for one more turn and when I look around me I am alone... and no one cares...I have been told to put away my past and concentrate on what is ahead of you... and what is to come.... but then I ask myself, how many times am I supposed to put back my past and concentrate on what’s ahead of me... I have done that in the past and look where I am now, again to be told to put back my past and concentrate on what’s ahead of me... I used to think that life is a beautiful gift from God... everyday was a miracle performed by him and every breath was a blessing.... to show was how much he loves us... then why does he also give us un-happiness is that part of the whole deal... with every joy there follows pain...when will it all stop, when can I sit down and start counting my smiles rather than tears... which I guess from my last count was 1, 435, 234, 155, and 9785 drops. Past year till date... this is not really true but u get the picture... I was such a different person, how can it change, I sometimes don’t know who I am, would not believe the things that I have done... which is the only reason why I sit down in silence and write my story which does not even make sense... but yet this I find is my only way I can feel complete... and since the person who mattered the most to me does not give a flying #@(% ... I need to talk to myself through my laptop.. funny and stupid or childish it may sound but it’s just the way it is... I have come across the worst time in my life and for me to regenerate myself back to the top I have to find my sweet spot that I always had... standing strong amongst the ruins amongst me. Don’t know if I will stand so strong again... I sure do know one thing those who have hurt me in the past I will forgive and forget, but in my opinion by doing so I can feel free and makes me feel better about myself... this has been a ritual in my life... and is something I will never change about myself...those who point fingers at me should first look deep in their heart and see if they are perfect.. to judge and condemn those in front.... its easy to blame, make fun and also hurt others... but realize this what comes around goes around... if you know how it feels when hurt, don’t hurt those who love and respect you... happiness is one thing that is hard to get but easily taken away... I know feelings change, and you will realize u made the biggest mistake of your life starting the whole god forsaken thing...but Hun what is a mistake... what was my fault, I never wanted all this to happen... we both came from different worlds and different points of view... does that mean I am a bad person... does that mean I am not the type u were looking for... what is this TYPE bullshit and where does it end and what is really your type... given a chance I would have never made u tear... but I lost u from the very start I was living a lie.. Everything that was happening was not really happening it was just a dream but with my eyes wide open... I felt happy babes and I wanted to share that with you... but I was not given a chance why? I ask that question... its sad that you think in those terms... I am not a playground that when needed is played on... I am human, but then again who is listening, these words fall on deaf ears... and my pain will remain deep down... piercing every wound and causing pain. I just hope that one day you open your eyes to reality and don’t get influenced by your surroundings. Your surroundings should not define you, make your own identity. You are a sweet person, and your heart is pure... let no one influence you, don’t become them...become the person you are. And you will be happy...anyways so long the journey has only 1hr left and the battery on this laptop is dying 8% life remaining.... Edmonton was good but Toronto is home... where I live a life of a zombie.... 7% battery life remaining... lol sounds like my life line... anyways I am signing off... tc and live strong live happy... 6%...

I am travelling at
Speed: 579 mph,
Altitude: 39237 ft....
Time: 11:11 PM
Date: 31/01/2007
1hr and 15min to destination Toronto...

How’ did I let it get this far? What was going through my mind? Why’d you seem to have it all? Yet you're not mine?...Started off as just good friends....Still we always step the line...Coz falling for you was so easy...You're everything I want, You're everything I need....You're everything I want my girl to be...And even though I know you're in someone else's heart...I can't bare to be apart...See I've fallen for you and I've gotta let you go...And I know that I have got to find a way to get on with my life...I don't wanna let you go ....But it's killing me inside ....How can I just carry on?...I need some piece of mind. How do I just move along? ...And ignore the love so strong?
So until I see this through....I'll be holding on to you...To you... baby...Throughout the months with you I've tried. To find the joy beyond the pain...But when the words and tears subside. Girl you’re still the same
...And I can't look into your eyes... Without thinking about you....See I've tried but these feelings won't leave me
No... I look away when he holds you for I'm afraid that I might find the look in your eyes that I see when you were mine so tell me why I've got to be the one to walk away and leave you there in someone else's arms?
Won't let you go away... this feeling in me wont let you go away... but I guess I have to ... for now despair is very stronger ... and I guess walking away is the best thing to do... life has lost it's meaning ... but yet breathing does not stop..... Some one told me ... "every moment counts Keith"... but my time has stood still in the moment of resentment and I can’t break free… I wanna break free…even though you found hope in hopeless, you made crazy sane… You became the missing link that helped m break my chains... That’s why I say without you my world would end… without you my life is not the same…well the damage is done I guess I should be leaving…